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Shaw, George Bernard, 1856-1950

"Captain Brassbound's Conversion"

I did not know I was so favorably spoken
of in these parts, Captain Brassbound. We want an escort for a
trip into the mountains.
BRASSBOUND (ignoring this announcement). Who is the lady?
RANKIN. Lady Ceecily Waynflete, his lordship's sister-in-law.
LADY CICELY. Howdyedo, Captain Brassbound? (He bows gravely.)
SIR HOWARD (a little impatient of these questions, which strike
him as somewhat impertinent). Let us come to business, if you
please. We are thinking of making a short excursion to see the
country about here. Can you provide us with an escort of
respectable, trustworthy men?
BRASSBOUND. No.
DRINKWATER (in strong remonstrance). Nah, nah, nah! Nah look eah,
Kepn, y'knaow--
BRASSBOUND (between his teeth). Hold your tongue.
DRINKWATER (abjectly). Yuss, Kepn.
RANKIN. I understood it was your business to provide escorts,
Captain Brassbound.
BRASSBOUND. You were rightly informed. That IS my business.
LADY CICELY. Then why won't you do it for us?
BRASSBOUND. You are not content with an escort. You want
respectable, trustworthy men. You should have brought a
division of London policemen with you. My men are neither
respectable nor trustworthy.
DRINKWATER (unable to contain himself). Nah, nah, look eah, Kepn.
If you want to be moddist, be moddist on your aown accahnt, nort
on mawn.
BRASSBOUND. You see what my men are like. That rascal (indicating
Marzo) would cut a throat for a dollar if he had courage enough.


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